Introspective

Introspective is what I need right now.


Have you ever had "one of those moments" where you just have to look back in your past and REALLY think through what you did wrong for something to fail the way it failed?, well, that's where I am right now. 


Just right now, reading my friend's blog, I started thinking about how my life has changed throughout the years, specifically when it comes to my relationship with the Lord and my relationship with other (boyfriend-like). You know, I would really like to say that I'm the kind of girl that has never had a boyfriend just 'cause I'm waiting for the right one-but I'm not- And I have to deal with it. Then my introspective has to change and focus on WHERE I failed, or where the relationship has failed. 


The thing is that I'm tired, I'm tired of getting my heart broken, I'm tired of having a relationship that fails, I'm tired of trying to find what I want in someone that simply DOESN'T have it, I'm tired of "giving it a chance" to a relationship, I'm tired of falling in love and months later, feel like it wasn't worth the try. I'M TIRED.


But then again, thinking about it, maybe... and just maybe, I haven't fallen in love, like EVER. What if, what if? what if? 


I'm also tired of thinking "what if?".


This is my life, this is my present. I'm single, not looking for ANY relationship with ANYONE, trying so hard on changing myself, preparing myself to be the best me I can be, and not for "someone" and for some specific time, I'm getting ready for myself. To be at ease with ME. 
Then, I get it. 


I'm taking a year of with my feelings. I'm not gonna even try to have feelings for someone. But you see, the thing is that I can't put a date on God. I can't tell him: ok, don't do anything in a year. 'Cause that's just not how it works. But what I can do, is ask him to teach me the lesson (or lessons) that he's trying to teach me, to give me peace of mind and be OK with myself. That's exactly what I need. 

I need freedom 

I need to think and time for just ME

I need peace

• Do I want to be in love? OF COURSE, but not right now, not even close
• Do I want to get married someday? OF COURSE, but is just not my time
• Do I know the man of my life? NO
• Am I ok being single? YES. I'm starting to really enjoy it and get the point of it. 
• I'm thankful, I'm overjoyed and I'm learning SO much. 

I finally get it...

Jen